


Will you not talk? Can you take pity?

by starlightwalking



Series: the world as we know it [1]
Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Back to Middle-Earth Month, Dysfunctional Family, F/M, Family Drama, In-Laws, Letters, Trans Fingon, and fëanor won't talk to him at all, basically fëanor and nolo had a bad falling out, but nerdanel & nolo miss being friends :(, it's heading toward canon stuff y'all :/, pre-divorce
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-20
Updated: 2020-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:13:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23226883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starlightwalking/pseuds/starlightwalking
Summary: Nerdanel saves Nolo's letters, even when Fëanor would rather throw them away. Especially then.
Relationships: Curufin | Curufinwë & Nerdanel, Fingolfin | Ñolofinwë & Nerdanel, Fëanor | Curufinwë & Fingolfin | Ñolofinwë, Fëanor | Curufinwë/Nerdanel, Nerdanel & Sons of Fëanor
Series: the world as we know it [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1651942
Comments: 20
Kudos: 49
Collections: Back to Middle-earth Month 2020: Endings and Beginnings





	Will you not talk? Can you take pity?

**Author's Note:**

> For B2MeM, 3/12/20. Title from "[The Dreaming Tree](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gie5OULnOpo)" by [Dave Matthews Band](https://genius.com/Dave-matthews-band-the-dreaming-tree-lyrics), which was the official prompt for the day. My other prompts from the generator were divorce or separation [Endings], "The first time was like this" [First Line], and "There was only silence" [Last Line].
> 
> Set in a larger Modern AU, but (obviously) before the other fics I've written so far in this verse. This delves a little into stuff we'll see more of in the future - why Fëanor and Nolo's kids don't know each other, for example. Though it is a little sparse on details. I'm still hammering those out, lol.

The first time was like this:

Nolo's letter came in the mail, and she remarked that perhaps it was an apology, since he never sent word. Fëanor stopped helping Maedhros with his coloring and strode over to her with a look like murder on his face. He snatched the letter from her hands.

"I don't care what he has to say," he hissed. "He can keep sending these, and they'll end up in the same place!" He tossed it into the garbage, then stormed away.

She stared after him, shocked by his fury even after all this time. She waited 'til she heard his door slam shut upstairs before fishing the letter out of the bin.

Before she could read it, she heard Maglor start to cry. Damn it—Fëanor had woken him up! But she couldn't stay mad at her husband for long, not as she heard him start to sing to the baby back to sleep.

* * *

The second time she nearly missed it.

She was about to toss one of Celegorm's diapers away when she saw the corner of an envelope in the trash can. She propped the baby on her hip and managed to pick it up without soiling it further.

It's only when Celegorm was put down for his afternoon nap that she had a chance to read it. She still had the first letter saved in her sock drawer, and she pulled that one out, too. (It hadn't been an apology, just a birthday wish to Maedhros as well as a gift card to Toys R Us. Nerdanel had bought him a stuffed animal and told Fëanor it was from a friend at work.)

 _Nerdanel—  
__Happy holidays from our family to yours. Anairë and I miss your company.  
_— _Nolo_

Enclosed was a generic holiday card, showing pictures of Nolo, Anairë, and their little girl in the snow. Anairë was visibly pregnant, and Nerdanel rested a hand on her own slowly-swelling stomach. Their babies would be almost the same age.

She sighed, slipping both letters into their hiding place. Too bad the cousins would not grow up with each other.

* * *

The third time she was careful. She'd taken to checking the mail before Fëanor, just in case Nolo sent a letter, and this time it paid off.

She understood why her husband refused to speak to his step-brother; it was his fault Fëanor had lost his job, even if he hadn't meant it to happen. Nerdanel loved her husband and supported his choices, for the most part, and she'd been angry, too.

But it had been years now, and she didn't understand why he couldn't get over it. She missed her in-laws, and even if Fëanor didn't miss his step-family and half-siblings, she knew it was hard for him to only speak to Finwë over the phone. He used to be so _close_ to his father...

 _Nerdanel—  
__We miss our nephews, even though we never got to meet little Caranthir. Congratulations on the new addition to your family. Anairë has also had a baby boy—we've named him Turgon. (Pictures enclosed!)  
_— _Nolo  
__P.S. I don't know if you actually read these letters, but if you do, we would love to see a picture of you with your boys. Fëanor only sends wallet-sized ones for Finwë of just the child._

She sighed, hiding the letter away with the others. She wished she could put up the picture of Turgon next to the one of his sister watching Maedhros read to her, but that only remained because she wasn't sure if Fëanor remembered it was his niece in the picture.

But maybe she could sneak a letter to Nolo and Anairë with their most recent family photo...

* * *

Fëanor came home earlier than expected, this time. He swept into their bedroom with a smile on his face and sparkle in his eyes, swooping her up into a kiss before she could hide the letter.

"What are you reading, love?" he asked, squeezing her in a hug.

Nerdanel didn't meet his eyes, knowing his good mood would sour as soon as he found out. "Nothing," she said, folding the paper so he couldn't see it.

"Nothing?" Fëanor raised an eyebrow. "Oh, is it a surprise for me?"

"It's..." She rubbed her temple. Perhaps it had been long enough, now. "It's Nolo."

The smile slid off his face, just as she knew it would. "What?" he demanded. "Give me that!"

"No!" Nerdanel stepped away from him. "None of them are addressed to you, anyway—they're for _me_!"

He froze. "You've been reading other letters from him?"

"You don't control me, Fëanor," she warned.

"I don't want to control you," he protested. "I just—I don't want him interfering with my family more than he already has!"

"It's been nearly a decade," Nerdanel said. "You're still angry? Will you not talk to him, even still?"

"You're not?" His eyes flashed with that fiery temper he could never quite keep under control. "He ruined _everything_. We could be rich, I could be saving lives, if only he'd—"

Nerdanel turned away. "I don't want to talk about this," she snapped.

He growled. "Fine. Neither do I."

* * *

Junior was talking in full sentences by the time she decided it had probably been long enough to try again. And this letter of Nolo's was important enough that she thought she should mention it.

"I got a letter today," she said at dinnertime, cutting up Junior's food for him.

"So what?" Maglor asked. It was his new favorite phrase, no matter how much Nerdanel reminded him it was rude.

She looked pointedly at Fëanor, waiting until his mouth was full to say, "It was from your brother."

He glared at her, but she kept talking before he could interrupt. "He wanted to let us all know that his oldest child has changed names."

Fëanor swallowed. "We never talked about her anyway," he snapped. "I'm with Maglor."

Maglor grinned at his dad. Next to him, Maedhros rolled his eyes.

"Mom, can I play outside?" Celegorm begged, not at all paying attention.

"Just a moment," she said. "You all should know that your cousin, Uncle Nolo's oldest child, has decided he's not a girl. He's calling himself Fingon now."

"You can do that?" Caranthir asked, scrunching up his face. "Just decide not to be a girl?"

"Yes," Nerdanel said. "And if any of you kids think you're not boys, you can talk to Mom and Dad about it, okay?"

"That doesn't make sense," Celegorm said, "but okay."

"I don't care," Maglor announced.

"Me neither," Maedhros echoed.

"Mommy, I want more!" Junior wailed, throwing his spoon full of mashed potatoes at the floor.

Fëanor leaned down to help his youngest son, and didn't speak to Nerdanel for the rest of the night.

* * *

She wasn't fast enough to get every letter, of course. And now that Fëanor knew she was keeping them, he took more drastic measures to cut off contact with his step-brother. But this time, he went too far.

"What the hell are you doing?" she demanded when she came home to him with a lighter in hand over the sink, a piece of paper burning in his grasp.

He dropped it in the water. The fire may have gone out, but it still shone in his eyes when he turned to face her.

"Burning Nolo's latest communication," he said shortly.

If she hadn't been holding an infant in each arm, she would have rushed over to grab the charred and soaked letter, but as it was she cussed him out so loudly that she could hear the older boys stop whatever they were doing to listen in.

"I cannot _believe_ you!" she shouted, turning away from him at last. "Can you take pity on him? On _me_? I know what he did was wrong, but he meant no harm—and I miss him! I miss all your family, not just your father!"

"They are not my family!" Fëanor yelled. "I have a family! You, and the boys, and my father when he deigns to visit us! I don't need them—"

"Have you considered that maybe _we_ do?" she demanded. "That we lost relationships, too? I miss my sisters-in-law! Maedhros and Fingon could have grown up close! From what Nolo tells me, Aredhel would have been the perfect playmate for Celegorm and Junior! And that's just Nolo's children—Finrod loves music, just like Maglor, and Angrod is in the middle school chess club, just like Caranthir, and Ara and Eärwen have twins like us, they could have given us tips—"

"They're _my_ relatives, not yours!" he growled. "I get to say if I cut them off, and you're making that impossible!"

"Are they your family or not?" she hissed, and she would have gone off some more, if the twins hadn't started to cry.

That was the start of the end, she realized looking back, but she didn't know it then.

* * *

"Mom?" Junior asked. "What's 'daddy issues'?"

Nerdanel looked up from her writing, biting back the retort of "what your father has." If she wasn't careful, they could be what he had, too. "Why do you ask?"

"I...read your letter to Uncle Nolo," he admitted. He didn't meet her eyes. "Dad, he said to..."

She took a deep breath, controlling her anger. She couldn't break out into a rage, not again. She knew how much it hurt her children to see her angry at their beloved father.

"Your father told you to read my mail?" she said. Damn it—that was too cold. She watched Junior flinch. Poor boy, caught between fighting parents...

"Don't be mad," he begged. "I just...I ignore some of them. Pretend I don't see them."

"Have you been intercepting my letters?" she asked, her voice soft. "How long?"

"Just the past few months," Junior said. "I know it's wrong, but Dad..."

"I'm not mad at you, honey," she said. She opened her arms, and he hugged her. She held him close, knowing she would miss this. As her boys got older they were less inclined to give their mom hugs, and now that she knew that Fëanor had been going through her mail—that he'd gotten _Junior_ to do it for him—

"But you are mad at Dad," Junior mumbled into her shoulder.

She let him go. "Furious," she whispered, tears streaming down her face. "Junior, I love you. I love all your brothers."

"But you don't love Dad." The disappointment in his eyes—disappointment, but not surprise—broke her heart even more than it was already.

"I do love him," she said. "Or I did. But Junior—you said yourself. You know it's wrong, what he had you do."

"But he's... _Dad_ ," Junior said.

She knew that. She knew he didn't just mean that he was his father, but also that he was... _Fëanor_. She'd fallen in love with that man, kept clinging to that wondrous part of him even as the irrationality increased over the years, tried again and again to stay for what they once had had, for what they still had: their children. Their children who adored him, for all the fire in him. She knew they would want to stay with him, not come with her. Not even the twins, who were only seven.

"He is." She sighed. "And I'm Mom. And your mom, she can't do this anymore."

Junior nodded. "I know," he said quietly. "We know."

Nerdanel looked back at her letter. It was to Fëanor, a list of reasons why she couldn't stay. She hadn't been planning on giving it to him—it was an exercise in venting her own feelings—but now...

"I have one more letter for you to intercept," she said quietly. "Can you give this to him? He's downstairs."

Junior nodded. She handed him the paper, listened to him make his way downstairs, waited for the inevitable cry of rage...

But this time it was different. This time, this last time, there was only silence.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading and commenting!  
> You can find me on tumblr [@arofili](http://arofili.tumblr.com/).


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